I'm Back and I'm Thankful

I'm not dead I've just been busy and dealing with stuff. I was prescribed a new medication that I started yesterday and I can't believe how good I feel. I haven't felt this good in well I don't know how long.

School is going great. I'm halfway through the session and so far doing well. If you're a regular at my blog then you know how much of a perfectionist I am. If you're not a regular well then you should be. I've also stated many times how much I struggle with math. It's going well, but to reduce stress my goal is to get a B. All of my other classes my goal is an A. I love school, it's so much fun.

I apologize for my silence. I have to admit I haven't even had time to read anybody's posts. I hope you are all doing well and having a wonderful holiday season. It's so fitting that Thanksgiving falls on Thankful Thursdays. I know I haven't done my regular Wednesday or Thursday posts in awhile, but today I am going to compose a list of the things I am thankful for. Instead of just doing ten, I am going to list and list until I can't think of anything else. If I forget anything, I'm blaming it on the pills :)

I'm Thankful...

1. For Derek. We celebrated our 8 year anniversary 2 days ago. I have the greatest husband ever, God really out did Himself when He brought Derek to me.
2. For my 3 beautiful, healthy, smart, helpful, and loving children. I couldn't ask for better kids. They make my heart full.
3. For my Mama. This woman, let me tell you, is so amazing. I wouldn't be half the person I am today if I hadn't been raised by her. Part 2 of this is how thankful I am for her husband Bill. He has made her so happy and he is taking care of her in a way that she deserves. I can't believe the difference I "hear" in her since she got married. So Bill, thank you for loving my mom and sharing your life with her and teaching her some football :)
4. For my Dad. I wrote a bit ago about how God really saved my Dad when he had his stroke. He is getting healthier. He's coming for a visit in a couple of weeks or so and I'm so excited to spend time with him.
5. For my sisters. They are such wonderful people and I love them so much. Sarah Diane and Meggie, thank you for your love and friendship.
6. For my church family. Let me tell you, the people I attend church with are some of the most wonderful, generous, and Christ-like people I have ever met. I count myself blessed to be able to attend a church where I have genuine, loving friends. To my church family, thank you for your prayers, friendship, love, and generous spirits. 
7. For my dog Dubs. It may seem silly, but this dog is so amazing. I'm a huge animal lover and need to have animals around me. It was painful for me when I had to give Oscar and Moses away. Getting Dubs has been a balm to my heart. He's loyal, loving, and such a good dog. God blesses us in so many forms.
8. For my new iPhone, Rutherford. I love this thing! It's so fun to use and so pretty!
9. For new medication that allows me to feel great.
10. For prayers. I don't think we'll ever know how these prayers affect our lives, but I know they do in huge ways. 
11. For my neighbors, Such amazing, helpful people.
12. For Christmas. My favorite time of year. People dispute whether Jesus was really born this time of year, but I don't think it matters exactly when He was born. What matters is that we are taking the time from all the craziness and thanking Him for...Him. Celebrating the Lord and His entrance to this world is I believe an essential action. Just sitting back and marveling at everything that is Him. Not asking Him for anything, not expecting Him to do anything, just sitting and loving Him. 
13. For my house. This house is too small and has odd colors in various rooms, but it is free and warm and home. 
14. For snow. It's so pretty and fun.
15. For football. You had to see that coming :) The Pats are doing great. They look awesome. I get a little superstitious (even though I know it's silly) so I'm not going to mention the Big Game, but I'm thinking about it!
16. For the opportunity to go to school and get a degree in something I love.
17. That I gained weight. I feel much better now that I'm a little fatter :)
18. For Christmas movies. I love them! I can't wait to watch Charlie Brown Christmas, The Grinch, Frosty, Rudolph, and It's A Wonderful Life. I'll cry and laugh and cheer.
19. That we get to put up our tree tomorrow and decorate. It's gonna look like Christmas threw up in my house!
20. I don't have to go shopping on "Black Friday". I'm done shopping. Derek is going to buy his present next week (yes you read that right). All we have to do is get stocking stuff. 
21. Finally, I'm thankful that I know how blessed I am. That I get to be thankful for so many things. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May God bless you! 

Where's My Gumption?

I've lost my gumption.

Lately I feel so...pathetic. I figure it's the pain that's doing it, but I don't know how (that's it, just how). I don't know how to not feel pathetic. I don't know how to express my gratitude to Derek for how he takes care of me and the house since I can't do much. I don't know how to say thank you to those praying for me. I don't know how to tell my kids I'm sorry I can't do things with them because of the pain. I don't know how to say sorry to people when I have to cancel because of the pain or the pain meds. I don't know how to accurately describe to people what's going on (not that I want to, that leads to more patheticness). I don't know how to talk to God right now. Sometimes He feels close, but mostly He's silent. He's probably waiting for me to leave my pity party and go talk to Him.

I just feel angry sometimes. I know I have no right to that anger, but that doesn't make it any less real. I've asked, told, cried, screamed, and raged at God. I ask him, why? Why now? Have the last 3 years not been enough? Did I not go through enough when Derek got cancer? Or how about when I was separated from my kids for 2 months, or when I had to give my beloved dogs away? Or the ensuing chaos that resulted from the 3 above mentioned issues?

As I write these sentences I know the issue. The common theme through all of that was I. I has no business in our walks with Christ. In Genesis when God is forming the world He says US and OUR. That plural is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Trinity is a perfect bond. A bond we need to mirror in our walk with God.

I guess I need to sit and be quiet. Let Him talk to me. Let Him wash away the anger, sadness, and patheticness. Just Let Him.

It's Late and I'm Up

So it's pretty late right now, about 11 p.m. my time. I'm up for mostly one reason: back pain.

I went to the neurologist today, I didn't find out much except that they are running more tests. Tests for diseases and such that might explain the chronic pain I've been suffering. I told the doctor the current medication I'm on does nothing for me so he gave me a new prescription. I'm supposed to work up to this dose. 25 mg for the first week, then go to 50 mg for the second week and so on. They're supposed to make you really sleepy. I took one at about 9:30 and another one at 10:30. So far, I don't feel much. I'm still in pain and not sleepy. Not sure what that means. Usually I'm pretty sensitive to medications, so I'm kinda puzzled.

My doctor was really nice. I was pretty worried because I read reviews that basically painted this guy as devil doctor. Pretty glad he wasn't. I had my bodyguard, Derek come with me just in case though :) I'm happy that this doctor seems committed to finding the cause of my pain. It's nice to know your doctor wants to make you better.

I submitted my projects for school yesterday. I had an essay due in English class. It was a position essay. We had to take an issue, explain both sides, pick a side, and then argue for the side we chose. I chose censorship, more specifically banning books in public schools. I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to make the essay long enough, but it ended up being 9 pages w/references. I'm pleased with how it turned out. The project in my Critical Thinking and Problem Solving class was a power point presentation on a leader in our chosen field. This project has been in the works for about a month or so. Since I'm majoring in computer forensics, I chose Steve Jobs. As most of you know, Steve Jobs passed away on October 5th. I'll admit when I heard that I cried. I had kinda gotten to know him. Well, as much as you can get to know someone you are studying. I found over my research what an amazing, hardworking man he was. He started Apple out of his parents' garage in 1976 with a childhood friend. He built it into one of the most profitable companies in the world. Very amazing man. If any of you use Apple products then you know how absolutely superior they are. I feel pretty good about the power point. It's funny, I worried way more about the power point than I did writing my paper. Writing is easy for me, designing a presentation like that is harder. I did my absolute best, that's all I can ask of myself.

I'm worried about my second semester. I'm taking Math which I am horrible at. Like ridiculously awful at it. I'm also taking Science and Nutrition. I think this class is going to be fun. I'm hoping I can get good grades in both.

Well, that's enough of my late night rant. I hope it all made sense despite pills and lack of sleep. God bless!

Marvelous Sunday

Do you ever have those days that completely rejuvenate you? That was my Sunday.

I woke up today not expecting much. I was determined to go to church despite any pain I might experience. I took the medicine the doctors prescribed before we went to stave off the pain (the medicine sucks by the way, but it takes the edge off the pain).

Everybody got ready and we went to church. Worship was amazing. I love worship, it totally prepares my heart for the message. Our pastor and his two daughters do the worship and let me tell you they are amazing. I love it. The message was great. It really resonated with me. Afterward I was able to fellowship with friends. One great friend in particular was amazing. I unloaded and he just listened. He was understanding and didn't judge. I unloaded about my anger towards God for all of the stuff Derek and I have gone through. I hate the anger and my attitude, but it just sits there like an unmovable boulder.

Then he said something that blew me away. He went through some stuff and he said he kept asking God why. He realized it's not the why. It's the who. I was like IT IS THE WHO! HE can move the unmovable boulder of anger. HE can comfort me. HE can walk with me in this odd and painful journey. HE WILL take care of me, Derek, and my beautiful children. I instantly felt so much lighter. My heart feels joyful for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying life and I'm excited about life for the first time in a long time. Before we left our pastor and this good friend of ours prayed over Derek and I. It was wonderful. I felt God in our little circle. He is moving and working. The best thing of all? He loves me, unconditionally.

I love this day. God is so good. I'm also excited for this Friday. We get to go to dinner and fellowship with good friends. Then I get to go to a movie with Natasha and Melissa, it's going to be awesome!! God is drawing me close and I'm loving it.

P.S. A prayer request: I'm seeing a neurologist this Wednesday the 19th. Please just pray the doctor is nice and they can figure out what is going on. Thanks guys. Have a great Monday!

Do You Ever Marvel?

Do you ever marvel at God's goodness? I have today. Aren't you humbled when He does something wonderful we completely don't deserve? I was today.

I got a text about 1 that my Rutherford had indeed made it into the local store! It was so awesome! I have been playing with him for hours and he is wonderful and so worth the wait. God is so good to me. After being told my phone wouldn't come in until next week, He has him come in today. When He does things like this for me, it makes me in completely awe of Him. God is good!

A Name And Some News

The pre-order for iPhone 4s's has been the largest pre-order in history or something so the AT&T store here in Butte is only getting one of them...in black. Since I was first on the list I could have taken it, but I really want a white one so I'm waiting. They should be in sometime next week.

Along that same line though, I have picked a name! His name shall be...Rutherford! Gabrielle submitted it and I love it. It was a hard decision between the name Aragon which Natasha submitted and Rutherford. I decided upon Rutherford, it's a little more nerdy and therefore more me :) Thank you for the names!

I will let you all know when Rutherford comes home. I already got a case for him. I'll include a picture, it's adorable! Have a great day everyone!

It's BACK!

Here is an installment of Wordy Wednesday! Have you missed it? I've missed writing it, so here you are with a dose of vocab words!


I love the word etymology. It's a gorgeous word that is fun to say. The meaning is one I hold very dear.


et·y·mol·o·gy   
noun

1. the derivation of a word
2. a chronological account of the birth and development of aparticular word or element of a word, often delineating itsspread from one language to another and its evolvingchanges in form and meaning.
3. the study of historical linguistic change, especially asmanifested in individual words.

A word I hate is deform. It's such a nasty word. You hear it and cringe, any word that brings about that kind of reaction is not a good word.

de·form   

verb

1. to mar the natural form or shape of; put out of shape; disfigure
2. to make ugly, ungraceful, or displeasing; mar the beautyof; spoil
3. to change the form of; transform.