Hey Strangers!

I'm writing this post from my room in my Mom and Daddy Bill's house. I got here Monday and have had a such a great time so far. Me and my Mom have always had such a special relationship. We can talk about really deep stuff one minute and then laughing so hard my stomach hurts the next. I love it so much. God has blessed me with this trip so much. It also makes me appreciate my family a lot. So now onto the real reason for this post.

I have struggled for a long time with the Lord. I have been angry, bitter, resentful, and blaming God for everything that has been going wrong in my life. I had no joy and I couldn't enjoy my kids or Derek. I was miserable couldn't understand why I couldn't hear Him or why He wouldn't come to me. Then last Friday I went to a worship type service with Melissa and her family. Let me tell you it was a life changer. During a song a couple of people went down to the front and were kneeling. God was like "Go Down There". I heard Him so clearly. I of course told Him I was good where I was and that I didn't need to go down there. Then He said "GO DOWN THERE!" I knew I had to go so I did. On the way down I felt every weight and brick that I had been carrying around with me fall away. I started sobbing before I got down there. I kneeled there and felt God for the first time in a very long time. While I was down there several things occurred to me. I had been ignoring His voice. I wasn't coming to Him. I was sinning. I was holding onto all the crap from when Derek was sick and the subsequent events. It was all ME!! As I kneeled there and humbled myself before my Heavenly Father I felt peace like I've never felt in my life. He poured over me and cleansed me. I put everything at His feet and when I walked away I left it there. Not to say I won't try to pick it up from time to time, but now I know where all of that crap truly belongs. I absolutely adore my God.

He is Love. He is Peace. He is Grace. He is forgiveness. He is my Refuge. He comes FIRST.

Here are some of my favorite verses"

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

² Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12: 1 &2

Quite Possibly A Rant and A Rave

I'm pretty good at ranting and raving. It's quite possibly because I'm so passionate, it's also probable that I'm crazy (you're probably betting on the latter right?). I'm gonna rant and rave about a couple of things and in the next week or so the soapbox is really going to come out of the closet, because to put it mildly I'm MAD. On a side note, my birthday is in 10 days. What I'm most excited for? Town Talk Cake! Woo Woo!

Ok, so on to my rant ( I don't want to forget about it). What is the deal with rude people?!? When I say rude, I mean RUDE! They run into you in the grocery store and don't say sorry, they don't say excuse me if they try to get by you, and when you say excuse me and more than once might I add, they won't move! I get so tempted to ram them with my cart! Don't be so surprised, you all knew I wasn't perfect. 

People don't say please or thank you anymore either. My Mama taught me manners and if I didn't use them, well let's just say you didn't want her to catch you not using them. I like to hold doors open for people, I feel it's a basic polite thing to do. I don't do it for the thank you, but I would say about 80%, yep you read that right 80%, don't say thank you! What has society come to that we don't even use basic manners anymore? 

The other day I went to a restaurant and you know what happened? The waitress set some of my food on top of my mashed potatoes!!! I hate it when my food touches! It's so gross! There are only 3 things that can touch on my plate. Those 3 things are mashed potatoes, corn and gravy. You know what the waitress didn't set on my mashed potatoes? Corn or gravy!! I was horrified and had to wipe my food with my napkin. Grr... 

Ok, rant and rave over. Thanks for listening :)

Journal Entry #2

No Date

As the sun dawns bright and warm so does the effect of God's love in our hearts. As He descends upon the dark corners of our minds and hearts we feel fear. Fear that He will see the darkness and the depravity that defines me. But He goes to the place anyway, the place where our sickness called sin resides and tries to hide. Influencing our decisions and feelings. It is in this place we so desperately need God's light; making the shadows fade until we are exposed and naked before Him. It is then that we are able to have complete restoration. Our soul is able to be completely filled with all that God wants to give us. As a broken cistern can hold no water so a shadowed, dark filled mind can retain no thoughts of God. If we remain there willingly, standing back and relishing in the sin we invited in we will never know Him, never be able to lay claim to the Salvation He selflessly offers. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the misery created from being separated from our Saviour. It erupts and creates havoc in our lives. The question is, why would we want to remain in darkness? We have a perfect Saviour, the Father of Lights standing before us offering a perfect gift. Just reach out and take hold of His perfection. Take hold of that all encompassing perfect love.

Let Him hold you. Let Him mold you. Let Him save you. Let Him love you.

Journal Entry #1

May 10, 2009

When darkness falls, the sadness erupts. The grief begins to destroy what's left. I'm drowning in a sea of my tears. When I called out you saved me. I clung to the cross and drifted to shore. That's where you waited for me. I stand before you feeling ugly and unworthy. You hold out your hands assuring me. Your scars are visible for all to see. A type of tattoo branding you the Savior. The Savior who loved all, gave all, and is all. Who was and is, and is to come. We walk down the beach in silence. No need for words. Just your presence is a comfort to my weary soul. I feel the words whisper across my heart. Words just for me. 

Contest Results

Remember that contest I entered? No? Ok, I guess I'll tell you. I entered a modeling contest for an online clothing website called Modocat.com. I ended up coming in second. I was pretty disappointed, but then God being God blessed me. I get to go to Los Angeles for a photo shoot because I was so close to the girl who came in 1st. It's really exciting because a photo shoot like the one they are offering me is normally really expensive. They will have professional wardrobe stylists and make-up artists. The photographer has done some great work as well. This shoot could also open some doors for me in the modeling world, well God willing anyway. I'll probably be going to LA in June sometime. I'll post pictures from the shoot when I get them. So that's the news on the contest because I know you were all so desperate to know.

How Can We Ever Repay?

I'm going to talk about an issue that I feel very passionate about. Our Veterans.

Do you think twice before you open your Bible? Or how about hopping on the Internet and watching a movie or t.v. show? Do you think twice when you go to the grocery store and load your cart up with goodies and nutritious food (hopefully, right?)? Women, do you ever think that you might have to walk behind your husband or father? Or not being able to vote or speak your mind or having meaningful, fulfilling jobs? I bet the answer to each of these questions is no. I know that is my answer. I don't think twice about any of these issues.

The sad thing is that there are people all over the world can't and don't enjoy the freedoms we take for granted here in the United States. That doesn't make us bad people, if you asked a random U.S. citizen if they are thankful for the freedoms we enjoy they would probably say yes.

What I want to address is how we retain the freedoms we enjoy so much. We get to live our lives without the added burden of having to hide our faith, desires, thoughts, and feelings. We women get to walk next to men, we get to speak our minds, hold political offices, and we have control over our own bodies. All of this is possible because there are men and women willing to fight for us. They make the decision to leave their friends, families, and the comforts of home to fight an enemy they have never met.

War is ugly. War kills. War is essential. Our men and women come home with injuries that are both obvious and invisible. They come home having witnessed horrors we can only imagine. These people are under appreciated and unnoticed much of the time. There is also a group of people that goes even more unnoticed than our veterans. And that is their caregivers/spouses. That brings me to the point of this post.

I have a very good friend whom I adore. She's a wonderful woman of God who loves her family and was given a new job to add to the many she already occupies as a wife and mother. That job is caregiver. Her husband was injured in 2006 by an IED blast. Sara takes complete care of Coban, while also being a mother to two little ones. She was nominated for the Hero at Home contest and became a finalist (So awesome!).

Now she needs your help. If she wins, she is honored at a gala in Washington D.C. and receives a $1,500 American Express card. In order to help, please view the short video below and press "LIKE" (the thumbs up button). If you would like please share on either your blog or Facebook page or another media you partake in. Lets show our appreciation for our Veterans, their caregivers, and families and vote for Sara. Thank you so much everyone!

Sara's Nomination Video

On A Quest For Information

If you're a regular reader or a close friend than you know of my struggle with chronic pain. So far I haven't gotten any answers and have stopped going to doctors. I have some medicine that helps a little. The problem though is not only am I experiencing a lot of pain, but I have almost no energy. I am now reaching out to find possible solutions.

My request, dear friends and readers, is this: Do you know of any remedies for chronic pain and exhaustion? Do you know of anyone that is in a similar situation and has found something works for them?

I appreciate you guys taking the time to help. God bless!