"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

~Philippians 1:6

Monday, March 28, 2011

Erica and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My day sucked. It's Monday. I stayed up too late. Had to get up early, kids have school. My house is messy. I'm leaving for a trip for the first time in a long time in like 3 days. My laundry isn't done. My packing list is not made. And the kicker: I HAD TO GO TO WAL*MART.

Wal*Mart is a necessary evil. I can't afford groceries at Safeway for 5 people. I debated not going. I debated picking my kids up from school and just going home, but I sucked it up and went out there. I went through each aisle, grabbed what I needed, and tried to keep it together. Grizzie had some melt downs due to sugar. He still has issues with all that. I get up to the checkout, my cart full and organize it all on the belt the way I like it. She gives me the total and I grab my wallet. But no debit card. Since I didn't grab my purse no check book either. I'm appalled. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. I ask the checker if they can suspend the order while I run home to get my card. She's wonderful and says yes (if she would of said no, my family would of starved for the next week I think or I would have done jail time for disorderly conduct).

I grab my kids and hurry my butt out of there. I drive down Harrison Ave (speed limit is 35) trying to do 40  and I get stuck behind some person (idiot) going 25!! I get home without committing a road rage offense and am able to get my groceries.

I had to stop by Derek's work to drop him off his pills on the way home. Being the wonderful man he is, he told me to take a nap and not worry about the house. He'd help with whatever needed to be done when he got home.  Nobody has had lunch by this point so I go through the McDonald's drive thru and order me and the kids lunch. Get home, get their lunch, unload groceries, put them away, eat my lunch, and sat down. I'll just say, I pulled my Kindle out and read. I just veged and read. Then it was the kids' nap time (good thing too). I read a little more and took a nap.

I woke up when Derek got home around 4:30. I walked out to the kitchen to find this:

My wonderful husband bought me my favorite flowers.

He's so great. I think I'll keep him.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Not Even Sure What This Is About

The title of my post is pretty accurate. I don't have a clear post in mind, but I feel museish. I know that isn't a word, but it's suits my purposes right now.

I know we all have deep yearnings in our soul. Things we desperately wish for, things we want to achieve, things we feel will complete us. I, like any normal person (OK, relatively normal), have these deep yearnings. The problem you may ask? They depress me. I don't know if this is normal. I don't know if everyone elses deep yearnings depress them, but mine sure do.

I'm a perfectionist. Like a really horrible, awful perfectionist. I judge myself so harshly that I feel others have me under the same microscope I put myself under. I know this for the most part is untrue, but my dang mind doesn't listen to me (weird right?).

So back to the perfectionism I suffer from. I won't attempt something if I don't think it's going to be perfect. Not just perfect to me, but perfect enough to win an Oscar or perfect enough to win a Pulitzer. OK, just some examples of some prestigious awards. Hopefully, you get where I'm going with this.

It's this horrifying, step altering problem I have. I go to do something, anything and my first thought is: can this be perfect? Can I achieve the highest success possible with this decision? If the answer to those questions is no (which lets be honest, it usually is) then I say "no point in trying then". I desperately wish I knew how to go about getting over this.

 Maybe the "trick" is to just try. Do. Write. Bake. Cook. Love. Give. Run. Create. Talk. Wish. Pray. Be flawed. Relax. Be Confident.

So to come full circle, my depression directly relates to my inability to even try to satisfy the deep yearnings  of my soul. Hopefully someday soon I can get started on that list of words and satisfy some deep yearnings.

Who needs a therapist when you have a blog?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Great Day For Up

Great Day For Up! Ever read that book? It's by Dr. Seuss, it's great (note to self: buy for kids) I woke up this morning feeling great. My kids snuggled with me and told me jokes. My husband made me coffee (he does that everyday, he's awesome like that). I get to stay home with my babies instead of going to a job that stresses me out. I'm leaving for Washington in 1 week and 6 days. It's been almost 2 years since I've seen my family.

I'm excited to see my older sister Sarah which after much heartbreak and frustration we are finally in a good place. I so desperately desire a complete and honest friendship with her. I desire to be best friends. Somebody we could both go to for support and love. I think we're on our way, but it's gonna take a lot more work. It'd be so much easier to just walk away. The problem with walking away is that there is so much I'd miss out on. Sarah is such a fantastic person. Pray for us will you? I appreciate it.

I get to see my baby sister. My best friend. I can't wait to hug her. She's been through so much and I'm so proud of her. She inspires me. I'm gonna stay at her house and probably get minimal amount of sleep. I want to have a sleep over with Sarah, our Mom, Meggie and me. That'd be awesome! Now that I think on it, I don't think we've ever done that.

I get to see my Mommy. I miss her so much. I miss her smell and her hands. There's something special about a persons Mom. Even at 26 almost 27 I desire her comfort and her overall presence. I can't wait for her to get to spend time with my kids. They miss her so much.

I get to see my Brothers In Law. I love these guys. I always wanted brothers growing up and now I have 2 of the greatest guys ever as my brothers. They couldn't be more different, but they are both so much fun and so wonderful.

I get to see my nieces and my nephew! Oh how I long to hold and squeeze and play with them. I bet they are so big.

I also get to see my Uncle Lee and Auntie Terie. These two people are just awesome. They mean so much to me. They are such a comforting presence.

And my Dad. Oh my Dad. He's just goofy, scatterbrained, with such a big heart. He's gotten so much better and keeping in touch. He texts (gasp!) yes he texts and calls regularly. I'm so proud of him. My Dad is all grown up *brushes away a tear*

I get to see my Grandma. There's also something special about a persons Grandma. She's so great and fun. Some of my fondest memories growing up are of me and her playing Aggravation. As a side note, if you go to that link, that is not what the original board looked like. The new board just looks...stupid.

I'm gonna go to my old church. The people there are so special. The pastor married Derek and I. I can't wait to see them.

This post has turned into a monster. I did not intend for it to be this long.The people that know me best will probably tell you I can be long winded at times.

I guess I better go to make sure my kids are dressed and not tearing each other's hair out.

I hope you have a Great Day For Up! Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Proved Wrong...Again

Two posts in a row!! I'm cruising! Ok, nerd moment over.

Ever have those mornings where you wake up and just KNOW it's going to be a bad day. Today was just such a morning. I think it has to do with my friend coming for her regular scheduled monthly visit. Anywho, I woke up emotional and upset and wanted to throw the covers back over my head. Instead of reaching out to God like I should have (I really need to get better at that), I shuffled around the house out of sorts and cried some.

Then God did the most amazing thing! Even though I didn't reach out to Him, he reached out to me and made it all better. It's like when our kids hurt themselves and they come to us to kiss it and make it better. We all know there is no possible way a hug or kiss physically healed them, but it did emotionally heal them which is just as good or better. That's what God did for me this morning, he emotionally healed me with a hug and a kiss.

Now my tears are from joy and awe. I love the God I serve.

"This is my comfort in my affliction: for Thy Word hath quickened me" Psalm 119:50

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Write Fright

I love to write. Honestly. It's relaxing and therapeutic for me. The problem is when I sit down to write I'm all blocked and stuff. I don't think they make ex-lax for writer's block. Wait a second I think they do, I think it's called Valium or Prozac...one of the two.

Now that I revealed that, I'm gonna sign off and do meaningless searches on Google for whatever pops into my head.

What? I started out small. At least there is print on the page right?