"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

~Philippians 1:6

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Eh Ok

I should continue to write my essay for my advanced comp class, but I decided to take a break and write on my much neglected blog. Oh how I've missed my blog. So pretty much there is going to be a bunch of random stuff in this post. If you're feeling queasy at the prospect I suggest you exit now.

My pain has been bad lately. It's been really hard. Somedays I feel utterly useless. Like life consists of little else, but me just existing. Then I realize at least I'm alive, I have healthy and awesome children, I have a wonderful and loving husband who takes care of me, and God loves me. It's enough to end my pity party pretty quickly. Because you know what? Crap happens. We live in a sinful world and sometimes it really sucks, but we can control how we react. We can control how we treat others. We can decide to believe in the Lord and let Him lead or we can wrest control from Him and see how well that works out for us (I'm going to spoil the ending for you, it doesn't work out).

God is so good. There have been two big prayer requests that He has "granted" if you will. I love to see Him work. Makes me thankful I belong to Him.

FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE! Sorry had to get that out. My Pats won last week. Can I get woo woo? No? Alright then. They play the Cardinals on Sunday and I may or may not get to watch it. Probably not though. Stupid local stations. UW lost though, grrr.... Quit rolling your eyes you know who!

I love fall. Soon we will have snow! YES! I have this friend who calls it a four letter word. Well yes indeed it is a four letter word...OF AWESOMENESS! Sorry Melissa, I had to do it. Ok well I'm going to get back to my boring essay that I'm probably doing all wrong. Thanks for reading the ramblings.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hogging The Conversation

Hello There. Ya I'm talking to you. The lurkers, you know the ones that don't leave comments (which is fine), but I'd like to hear from you. You kinda know me or at least the blog me. Ask me a question and I'll answer or leave a comment and I'll read it and respond. I've been hogging our conversation and I feel pretty bad about that. So anyway, let me know who you are! This probably made no sense, but there ya go, that's me.

Friday, July 20, 2012

How Badly Do We Want To Sin?

"And the mixed multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all beside this manna, before our eyes." Numbers 11: 4-6

Look how they complain. Look how we complain. Look how they remember Egypt (captivity and slavery) as something good. They say that now their soul is dried away. I would think it would have dried away while in slavery. It's a shame how they downplayed manna. Manna was a representation of God's provision. He gave them enough for each and every day, but not in advance except for the Sabbath. Why do you think that is? He is teaching us that His mercies are new every morning, that He is enough, and that we don't have to worry even though it looks like we should. I know we all have our Egypts, we all have those places in our lives where we think oh how I wish I could go back. Lot's wife did and we all know how she ended up. Personally, I don't want to end up a pillar of salt. What we fail to remember however is the separation our Egypt wrought in our relationships with Christ. We fail to remember the rampant sin and its consequences. We fail to learn the reason God took us out of Egypt in the first place. Maybe that is why some of us are still wandering in the desert.

"And there went forth a wind from the Lord, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. And the people stoop all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp." Numbers 11: 31 & 32

The Israelites had complained about Egypt enough. They had asserted their opinion on the current situation one too many times. God finally gave them what they wanted: flesh to eat which I believe represents sin. He let them have what they desired so much that it was 3 feet deep (2 cubits=36 inches)! Have you ever looked around and realized you were standing in filth? Have you looked around and realized you were completely surrounded by your sin? That's what God did for the Israelites. It was the only way they were going to learn. He does it for us too. Look how they had to toil when God gave them what they wanted. That's what sin does for us. It creates more work. One more lie to cover up the last one. Then they took the quail/sin and surrounded the camp with it. When we get our desires/sin we surround ourselves with it. We do this because we feel more comfortable in the filth and depravity then we do being faced with God's perfection, His mercy, His love, and His grace. We keep heaping it on, we bit by bit kill ourselves spiritually because we think it's too late to go back, that it's too late to ask for His forgiveness. I'm here to tell you, it's never too late! He's there, waiting for you, like the patient and loving Savior He is. The thief on the cross grasped this concept well, when he looked at Christ he knew it wasn't too late and grabbed on with both hands to salvation and eternity that Christ offered him. I would encourage you not to cut it that close because nothing beats having a personal relationship with the Lord, but the thief on the cross is an illustration of how much it doesn't matter what you've done. He's waiting for you and while He's waiting He's loving you.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Power of the Lord and the Weakness of Idols

There has been a theme in my devotions and learning as of late. I love it when the Lord does that because I know He's working something out in my life. Idols. Sigh. Oh how I wish they never existed. Oh how I wish we wouldn't give them a prominent place in our lives. Because that's exactly what we do. We give it to them.

"Hearken unto me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, which are borne by me from the belly, which are carried from the womb: And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you." Isaiah 46: 3&4 He wants us to listen and He wants us to know who He is. He leaves no doubt as to who He is in this passage "And even to your old age I am He; and even to hoar hairs (gray hairs) will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you." Idols can't do that. TV can't do that, my beloved iPhone can't do that, my beautiful Mac can't' do that, my husband can't do that, nor can my parents. Only God can.

"To whom will ye liken me, and make me equal, and compare me, that we may be like?" Isaiah 46:5 If somebody asked you if you thought God and satan are equal, I bet your answer would be a resounding NO! I bet if they asked you if you if you thought God was like man your answer would be another resounding NO! The problem here, dear readers, is that when we fear satan we are making him equal with God. When we blame world hunger and cancer on God we are bringing God down to the level of man. When we look at God and see pain, misery, and unfairness instead of love, mercy, and grace we are stripping Him of all His power in our lives. We are equating Him with the ugliness of humanity. We finding Him equal with nothing but a fallen angel who He created. There isn't a power struggle between God and Satan. There never was nor will there ever be. God has a plan and a timeline and when they come to fruition Satan is gone. Simple as that.

"They lavish gold out of the bag, and weigh silver in the balance, and hire a goldsmith; and he maketh it a god: they fall down, yea, they worship. They bear him upon the shoulder, they carry him, and set him in his place, and he standeth; from his place shall he not remove (move): yea, one shall cry unto him, yet he not answer, nor save him out of his trouble. Remember this, and show yourselves men: bring it again to mind, O ye transgressors." Isaiah 46: 6-8. This shows such premeditation with the idols. They went through several different obstacles to get the thing made and finally when it was made they bowed down to it. I wonder at that moment if there was a giant feeling of being let down. Think about the fact that these were God's chosen people. People who have seen and felt the power of God. I really think that at the moment they bowed down to a piece of metal that they went "uh oh". There was no glorious peace and there was no feeling of awe,  there was just...void. How many times have you felt like that in your life? How many times did you put something in God's place in your life and you were all psyched up about it. You went to metaphorically or maybe literally bow down to it and there was just...nothing. A complete and total void. Maybe it was money, maybe it was another person, maybe it was being well known. No matter what it was or is, it can never or will never bring you the peace you seek. There is only place where that peace exists and that is our Heavenly Father.

"Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me," Isaiah 46:9 I love this verse. He tells us to remember the past, remember the old stuff, and then He is God. He doesn't wants us to dwell on the past, but he does want us to think about it so we can better remember who He is and that there is indeed no one like Him. Remember the old idols and how they couldn't fulfill you, but how He overflows you. Remember the anxiety and then realize His peace. Remember the loneliness and then feel His love. These are the things He wants us to do when we "Remember the former things of old".

"Hearken unto me, ye stouthearted (stubborn minded-which is me), that are far from righteousness: I bring near my righteousness; it shall not be far off, and my salvation shall not tarry: and I will place salvation in Zion for Israel my glory." Isaiah 46: 12&13 No expounding necessary, isn't it wonderful? His salvation shall not tarry! I'm so glad for that, I bet you are too.

Monday, July 16, 2012

You Swallowed What?!?

I'm so worn out right now. At about 4 pm Griz came to me and said he swallowed a watch battery. I looked up online and found that they are really dangerous because the alkali can cause all types of health issues and they can perforate the esophagus. First I called the ER and they said to call the pediatricians and poison control. So I called the pediatricians (both offices), but they were closed. I then called poison control who confirmed what I read on the internet and they told me to take him in. So up we go to the hospital (for the 2nd time in two weeks). It took 3 X-rays for them to see the dang thing only to find out it wasn't a watch battery, but a metal washer. One doctor said he thought it was too big to pass, but he didn't feel comfortable doing a scope on a child. Then they said we might have to go to Missoula, but they wanted to talk to the doctor there. After talking to the doctor in Missoula (which took for freaking ever), they thought it would indeed pass on it's own, but to watch him just in case. So 3 hours later we got home. I have to take him in tomorrow (Wednesday) for a follow up X-ray to see if it's moved. I'm still worried, but I have to trust God that He has Griz in His hands. So that's evening and night. God is good though, in that I am absolutely certain.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

"In Thee O Lord, Do I Put My Trust"

"In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me.
For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, OLord God of truth.
I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in theLord.
I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;
And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.
Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.
12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.
13 For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.
14 But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God.
15 My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me.
16 Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies' sake.
17 Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave.
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!
20 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.
21 Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city.
22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.
23 O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.
24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."
Psalm 32

I adore this Psalm. I could go line by line I love it so much, but that would make for one long post. This is such a good reminder that we need to be putting our trust in the Lord. He is the only One who will never disappoint us. He is the only One who can love us with a perfect love. Most importantly, He is the only One who can save us. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Is It In The Right Place?

My devotions yesterday produced a verse that was both soul provoking and saddening. Saddening in the way that it is true and it shouldn't be. 

"But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back:" 1 Kings 14: 9. The context of this verse is God speaking through his prophet Ahijah to Jeroboam's wife. Jeroboam and his wife were trying to deceive the prophet by her disguising herself and going to the prophet to get a prophecy regarding their child who was sick. The prophet is blind, but why you'd try to deceive a prophet is beyond me, I mean hello God gives him visions and talks to him directly. Like he isn't going to know who you are. Anyway, this verse really got me thinking about how we put things before God. We may not make molten images ( I hope so anyway), but we definitely have idols that we put before God. One of the definitions of idol is any person or thing regarded with blind admiration,adoration, or devotion. I'm not saying we can't be devoted to things or admire stuff, but are we putting it before God? Are we carrying it around petting it and obsessing over it like an old lady and her little dog? (ok bad analogy, but it's funny so I'm keeping it) Sometimes I put my husband before God, it's easy to do when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Sometimes I put my kids before God. Lately I've been putting all of my modeling stuff before God, which I've corrected, but I have to be careful to not take it back and put it before Him again. It's an everyday process for me right now. In my devotions I have to give it up to Him again. It'll be that way for awhile until I leave it in His hands. Oh how I long for that day. For now though, I'll continue to give it to Him everyday. And like and awesome and wonderful God He takes it from me everyday with the patience of the Heavenly Father He is. What molten images are you putting before God? What little things are you holding onto scared to lay them in His hands? Give it to Him, I promise you'll feel the burden lift off of your shoulders.

Ok last part of that verse is "...to provoke me to anger, hast cast me behind thy back" God is angry because He is a jealous God. He wants us to Himself. It is why He died on the cross, to have a personal, uninterrupted, just you and Him relationship with Him. My relationship with God isn't me, Him, and Derek or me, Him, and my children. It's me and Him. Period, that's it. 

"For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:" Exodus 34:14

"For the Lord thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

"Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord they God am a jealous God,..." Exodus 20:5a

You get the picture, there are many more verses that confirm that He is a jealous God. But it's only because He loves you so much and He gave so much for you that He wants you all to Himself. I'm going to be looking at my life very closely to see what I'm putting before God, I want to make sure there are no invaders in my relationship with Him, nothing that is separating me from having a true and wondrous relationship with Him. I hope you'll do the same because I know that when we eradicate these things that are hampering us from completely focusing on Him we will feel Him move in us in miraculous and wondrous ways. 

This song is so amazing and really sums up what I'm trying to say in this long winded post. Please listen to the whole thing, this is one of my favorite songs.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Great Emptying of Self

It's hard being a Christian living in the United States. I mean don't get me wrong I love that we have the freedom to read our Bibles in public, arrange Christian outreaches, and tell others about Christ without the fear of imprisonment or death. But there is just SO MUCH STUFF! Stuff that distracts us from our true purpose in this world. Stuff that puffs up our heads and gives us warped ideas about self.

The other day during my devotions God gave me Philippians 2: 1-11. Many years ago my pastor titled these verses "The great emptying of self". Hence the reason for the title of this post. The title aptly fits these groups of verses so well.

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves" Philippians 2:3. This verse is the complete antithesis of the American dream and the American way of thinking. We are taught to get what we want and need for ourselves. We are taught that we are great and to forsake others for our own selfish purpose. But we aren't of the world are we? God tells us so. We often forget that though. We allow the American way of life and thinking to pollute that which God desires to stay pure: Us. Vainglory means excessive elation over one's own achievements, abilities etc., empty pomp or show. Essentially being way too happy over something you've done. Did you hold open the door for the old lady so you could brag later and hold your head high? Did you tithe so you could bring it up to God later? Did you give money to a friend in need only to hold it against them later? These acts by themselves are a great service to God, but when you add in the later acts it taints them and it would be better for you to not have done them at all.

"But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross." Philippians 2: 7 & 8. Can you imagine going from Heaven to Earth? Going from a place of perfection where there was no hunger, no thirst, no sin, no hot or cold, no sadness, no anger, and no pain? Can you imagine going from being one with God to being separated from Him? That's what Christ did. And He did it for us. He thought of YOU when He was on that cross. He thought of YOU as each nail was pounded into his flesh. He thought of YOU as He hungered and thirsted upon that cross. The wondrous thing was that He never once complained or questioned it, He just did it. Are we willing to take the form of a servant? Are we willing to forsake everything we know and care about for Christ? Well that is exactly what He is asking us to do. He wants all of us. Not just the part we offer on Sunday mornings or the 10 minute devotional we do in the mornings. Don't get me wrong Sundays and daily devotionals are great, but He wants more. He wants every hurt and burden, He wants to be the One we thank when things are great, He wants to be the One we thank when things are horrible, and He wants every single shadowy corner of our mind (I think that's a song line). He wants it all, but are we willing to give it? Are we willing to completely empty ourselves just like Christ did for us? Until we are willing and actually do it, He can't completely fill us with His Holy Spirit. He can't completely use us for the great plans He has in store for us. I for one desire to be completely filled by His Spirit and I so desire to be used for great things to further His kingdom. I hope you do too.

Monday, July 9, 2012


Where is God in our troubled times? Where is He when the pain overcomes our faith and reasoning? Where is He when our tears soak the pillow? When we feel as if we are going to drown in those tears? 

I imagine this is how the Israelites felt while they were wandering in the desert searching, exhausted and broken. Minus the pillow of course. Being broken is a painful and necessary process. Jesus was broken when He gave His life for us. If the Savior had to be broken who are we to think we don't need it? 

One of my favorite verses in Jeremiah says "For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water"

When God breaks us we are low, we are desperate, and we are pliable. We can't hold anything. The great thing is that God doesn't ever leave us broken. He picks our broken, tear stained body up and carries us to a magnificent place. A place that is filled with grace and love and peace. He builds us up into someone that we no longer recognize. Someone filled with His Holy Spirit who loves and forgives and starts to resemble our Creator. Which is our goal in this life right? To become as like Him as we can. That can only happen by shedding our flesh and sin and running to Him. We have to be willing to be broken as many times as it takes. I'm being broken right now. My chronic pain is a lesson. He's showing me that I have no strength apart from Him. I can't go through this life on my own. I can't be successful on my own. I can't become the mother or wife I desire to be without Him. I can't be a great friend, sister, or daughter without His grace and presence in my life. 

Are you willing to be broken? Are you willing to allow God to take complete control of your life? Are you willing to ask God the scary questions and get answers you won't like?

Please be willing, please allow Him to break you. After the pain you will see the rainbow, you will experience Him fully, the way He intended the relationship to be when he formed you.

 I'm broken and glad. Use me Lord, build me and form me into the magnificent person you envisioned before time began. I'm ready.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Just To Let You Know...

I'm not dead. I have a big blog post in progress. Please be patient. I love these weird sentences. Talk to you later.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Hey Strangers!

I'm writing this post from my room in my Mom and Daddy Bill's house. I got here Monday and have had a such a great time so far. Me and my Mom have always had such a special relationship. We can talk about really deep stuff one minute and then laughing so hard my stomach hurts the next. I love it so much. God has blessed me with this trip so much. It also makes me appreciate my family a lot. So now onto the real reason for this post.

I have struggled for a long time with the Lord. I have been angry, bitter, resentful, and blaming God for everything that has been going wrong in my life. I had no joy and I couldn't enjoy my kids or Derek. I was miserable couldn't understand why I couldn't hear Him or why He wouldn't come to me. Then last Friday I went to a worship type service with Melissa and her family. Let me tell you it was a life changer. During a song a couple of people went down to the front and were kneeling. God was like "Go Down There". I heard Him so clearly. I of course told Him I was good where I was and that I didn't need to go down there. Then He said "GO DOWN THERE!" I knew I had to go so I did. On the way down I felt every weight and brick that I had been carrying around with me fall away. I started sobbing before I got down there. I kneeled there and felt God for the first time in a very long time. While I was down there several things occurred to me. I had been ignoring His voice. I wasn't coming to Him. I was sinning. I was holding onto all the crap from when Derek was sick and the subsequent events. It was all ME!! As I kneeled there and humbled myself before my Heavenly Father I felt peace like I've never felt in my life. He poured over me and cleansed me. I put everything at His feet and when I walked away I left it there. Not to say I won't try to pick it up from time to time, but now I know where all of that crap truly belongs. I absolutely adore my God.

He is Love. He is Peace. He is Grace. He is forgiveness. He is my Refuge. He comes FIRST.

Here are some of my favorite verses"

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12: 1 &2

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Quite Possibly A Rant and A Rave

I'm pretty good at ranting and raving. It's quite possibly because I'm so passionate, it's also probable that I'm crazy (you're probably betting on the latter right?). I'm gonna rant and rave about a couple of things and in the next week or so the soapbox is really going to come out of the closet, because to put it mildly I'm MAD. On a side note, my birthday is in 10 days. What I'm most excited for? Town Talk Cake! Woo Woo!

Ok, so on to my rant ( I don't want to forget about it). What is the deal with rude people?!? When I say rude, I mean RUDE! They run into you in the grocery store and don't say sorry, they don't say excuse me if they try to get by you, and when you say excuse me and more than once might I add, they won't move! I get so tempted to ram them with my cart! Don't be so surprised, you all knew I wasn't perfect. 

People don't say please or thank you anymore either. My Mama taught me manners and if I didn't use them, well let's just say you didn't want her to catch you not using them. I like to hold doors open for people, I feel it's a basic polite thing to do. I don't do it for the thank you, but I would say about 80%, yep you read that right 80%, don't say thank you! What has society come to that we don't even use basic manners anymore? 

The other day I went to a restaurant and you know what happened? The waitress set some of my food on top of my mashed potatoes!!! I hate it when my food touches! It's so gross! There are only 3 things that can touch on my plate. Those 3 things are mashed potatoes, corn and gravy. You know what the waitress didn't set on my mashed potatoes? Corn or gravy!! I was horrified and had to wipe my food with my napkin. Grr... 

Ok, rant and rave over. Thanks for listening :)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Journal Entry #2

No Date

As the sun dawns bright and warm so does the effect of God's love in our hearts. As He descends upon the dark corners of our minds and hearts we feel fear. Fear that He will see the darkness and the depravity that defines me. But He goes to the place anyway, the place where our sickness called sin resides and tries to hide. Influencing our decisions and feelings. It is in this place we so desperately need God's light; making the shadows fade until we are exposed and naked before Him. It is then that we are able to have complete restoration. Our soul is able to be completely filled with all that God wants to give us. As a broken cistern can hold no water so a shadowed, dark filled mind can retain no thoughts of God. If we remain there willingly, standing back and relishing in the sin we invited in we will never know Him, never be able to lay claim to the Salvation He selflessly offers. We have no one to blame but ourselves for the misery created from being separated from our Saviour. It erupts and creates havoc in our lives. The question is, why would we want to remain in darkness? We have a perfect Saviour, the Father of Lights standing before us offering a perfect gift. Just reach out and take hold of His perfection. Take hold of that all encompassing perfect love.

Let Him hold you. Let Him mold you. Let Him save you. Let Him love you.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Journal Entry #1

May 10, 2009

When darkness falls, the sadness erupts. The grief begins to destroy what's left. I'm drowning in a sea of my tears. When I called out you saved me. I clung to the cross and drifted to shore. That's where you waited for me. I stand before you feeling ugly and unworthy. You hold out your hands assuring me. Your scars are visible for all to see. A type of tattoo branding you the Savior. The Savior who loved all, gave all, and is all. Who was and is, and is to come. We walk down the beach in silence. No need for words. Just your presence is a comfort to my weary soul. I feel the words whisper across my heart. Words just for me. 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Contest Results

Remember that contest I entered? No? Ok, I guess I'll tell you. I entered a modeling contest for an online clothing website called Modocat.com. I ended up coming in second. I was pretty disappointed, but then God being God blessed me. I get to go to Los Angeles for a photo shoot because I was so close to the girl who came in 1st. It's really exciting because a photo shoot like the one they are offering me is normally really expensive. They will have professional wardrobe stylists and make-up artists. The photographer has done some great work as well. This shoot could also open some doors for me in the modeling world, well God willing anyway. I'll probably be going to LA in June sometime. I'll post pictures from the shoot when I get them. So that's the news on the contest because I know you were all so desperate to know.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

How Can We Ever Repay?

I'm going to talk about an issue that I feel very passionate about. Our Veterans.

Do you think twice before you open your Bible? Or how about hopping on the Internet and watching a movie or t.v. show? Do you think twice when you go to the grocery store and load your cart up with goodies and nutritious food (hopefully, right?)? Women, do you ever think that you might have to walk behind your husband or father? Or not being able to vote or speak your mind or having meaningful, fulfilling jobs? I bet the answer to each of these questions is no. I know that is my answer. I don't think twice about any of these issues.

The sad thing is that there are people all over the world can't and don't enjoy the freedoms we take for granted here in the United States. That doesn't make us bad people, if you asked a random U.S. citizen if they are thankful for the freedoms we enjoy they would probably say yes.

What I want to address is how we retain the freedoms we enjoy so much. We get to live our lives without the added burden of having to hide our faith, desires, thoughts, and feelings. We women get to walk next to men, we get to speak our minds, hold political offices, and we have control over our own bodies. All of this is possible because there are men and women willing to fight for us. They make the decision to leave their friends, families, and the comforts of home to fight an enemy they have never met.

War is ugly. War kills. War is essential. Our men and women come home with injuries that are both obvious and invisible. They come home having witnessed horrors we can only imagine. These people are under appreciated and unnoticed much of the time. There is also a group of people that goes even more unnoticed than our veterans. And that is their caregivers/spouses. That brings me to the point of this post.

I have a very good friend whom I adore. She's a wonderful woman of God who loves her family and was given a new job to add to the many she already occupies as a wife and mother. That job is caregiver. Her husband was injured in 2006 by an IED blast. Sara takes complete care of Coban, while also being a mother to two little ones. She was nominated for the Hero at Home contest and became a finalist (So awesome!).

Now she needs your help. If she wins, she is honored at a gala in Washington D.C. and receives a $1,500 American Express card. In order to help, please view the short video below and press "LIKE" (the thumbs up button). If you would like please share on either your blog or Facebook page or another media you partake in. Lets show our appreciation for our Veterans, their caregivers, and families and vote for Sara. Thank you so much everyone!

Sara's Nomination Video

Thursday, April 12, 2012

On A Quest For Information

If you're a regular reader or a close friend than you know of my struggle with chronic pain. So far I haven't gotten any answers and have stopped going to doctors. I have some medicine that helps a little. The problem though is not only am I experiencing a lot of pain, but I have almost no energy. I am now reaching out to find possible solutions.

My request, dear friends and readers, is this: Do you know of any remedies for chronic pain and exhaustion? Do you know of anyone that is in a similar situation and has found something works for them?

I appreciate you guys taking the time to help. God bless!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Bringing In Brilliance

Do you have people that enter your life and bring with them light, warmth, and brilliance? People who for no matter how brief a time light up your life like the sky on the 4th of July, it makes you stand back in wonder and with complete gratitude that you got to witness the beauty of who they are and what they brought to your life. I've experienced this a little in my life and I'm blessed that I live with four of them. The one I want to talk about though is my husband, Derek.

Derek is one of the most amazing people I know. He's been through so much and he's never quit. He's a loving father and husband. This man I'm blessed to call my husband gives and gives and gives. It's so cliche (but true) that not only does he make me want to be a better person, but he does make me a better person. He supports my dreams that a lot of people call crazy, he tolerates my innate craziness (trust me there is a lot of it), and he takes amazing care of me.

Having someone like Derek in my life is a humbling experience. The intensity with which Derek loves me is so honoring and undeserving. But that's the point of God isn't it? He blesses us with people in our lives that we don't and can never deserve. We didn't deserve Jesus or what He did for us, but yet He came here anyway and freely gave Himself. He did all of it because he loves us. A love so intense and perfect that it makes us better people. It brings us through unspeakable pain and soothes wounds we think will never heal.

That's how the love of these people God brings into our life is. No matter how brief (but hopefully not), their love has a startling, amazing affect on us. It lights us up and changes the darkness to bright brilliant colors. Obviously their love can't bring us actual salvation, but it can save us from ourselves. Make sure you surround yourself with people who bring nothing but goodness and love into your life and when you look at them make sure to thank God. Because He's the One that sent them to you.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Need Help

Remember when I posted about that contest I was trying to win? Well I made the top 20. Pretty exciting, but now round 2 begins. This is what round 2 entails: It is a 2 week sales challenge. The girl who has the most sales at the end of the 2 weeks wins a photo shoot in LA and a $500 credit to their site. They gave me a code that is unique to me. When you use it you get a discount on merchandise AND it helps me in the contest. I'm going to post the info here. So ladies if you want some awesome shoes or clothes here is your chance to get them with a discount.

Go to Modocat, load up your shopping bag, and enter ERICA4CATGIRL in the code section for your discount. Thanks everyone, you're awesome!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Have No Idea

Usually when I "blog" I have the entire thing written out in my head. I know exactly which words are going to be typed and how the entire thing will sound. Right now? I have no freaking clue. I'm emotional, in pain, and feeling very musish.

It's been a rough day. I was in a lot of pain. I got a call from another doctor that my blood work came back normal. This is a good thing, but at the same time doesn't explain the severe pain I'm dealing with daily. I can't get any help. No doctors will help. I get so angry. Isn't that their job? To take care of patients, comfort them, and find answers. Apparently not. I feel like I'm at a dead end. Nowhere to go and no answers. I know this sounds completely dramatic, but that's me. Maybe God doesn't want me to go to doctors. I'm at a loss.

One thing I do know is that He has all of the answers. He is my Healer. He is my Father. He is my Comforter. I can lean, cry, and rage and all the while He holds his big arms out and holds me in the greatest  hug ever in existence. I love that complete surrounding He does.

I often think of Paul and the thorn in His side. I don't want this pain to control my life and so far it has. I can beat this. I can live a full life despite the pain. If I never get any answers I need to be content with what God has blessed me with. I'm gonna try and push through the pain and walk or maybe even run (GASP!).

Oh how I miss running. It was the greatest escape I've ever known. Just my music, running shoes, and God. The greatest thing ever.

Thanks for listening to all my dramatic ramblings. It felt good to write again. I'll post in the next couple of days about my amazing thing coming up. I can't wait!

Good night.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Contests and Facebook

Hello Everyone! I have a favor to ask those of you who have Facebook pages. I entered a contest to become the face of Modocat.com. I made it into the final 100 and now I need your help to make into the top 20. The 20 girls with the most votes on their photos move onto the next round. I'm going to post the link here and I would appreciate your vote and sharing the link with others. You have to like the Modocat Facebook page and then like my photo. If you'd like to request me as a friend that'd be great :) Thank you for your support!

Modocat Modeling Contest  That is the link. Please remember to like their page, then my photo or your vote won't count. I have the best readers ever, thank you for your votes!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

In My Weakness...

I just got 100% on my math test and I'm riding high on my mini victory. God is good. The last couple of days pain wise have been so so, but what has changed is that I feel like my attitude while in the midst of the episodes is a lot better. Derek and I had to have a talk this morning though about my "disappearing act". I'm a very internal person and tend to disappear into my head quite easily. Derek is a very social person who thrives on interaction. I tend to forget that not everybody is happy with quiet and solitude the way I am. I have to remember to be more emotionally available. The talk was good though. Marriage requires lots of communication which I'm horrible at, I'm so blessed to be married to someone so patient. 

I have some good news, but the details aren't finalized so I'm not going to reveal until I have everything ironed out. I'm pretty excited though. Don't you love the suspense and mystery?

Not much to say in this post, just a mini-update. Here is a great verse that is pretty perfect for my life right now.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
 ~ 1 Corinthians 12:9 & 10

Monday, January 16, 2012

I Hate The Pythagorean

I'm having so much trouble with math and it's driving me crazy! Stupid pythagorean formula. I know I'll eventually get it, but I don't like feeling this inadequate. 

I know it's been forever since I blogged and the only excuse I have is that the pain has been completely out of control lately. This is the first good day I've had in forever. It was so wonderful. Me and Ash spent time together and decorated her room and she was so happy. I loved it! 

I'm going to go to a general physician and lay it all out. Tell him I'm out of ideas and ask what I should do next. I'm hoping I can get some answers.

I got some great news recently and when I know the definite details I will share with you, but for now just know I'm ridiculously excited! 

Have I said lately how wonderfully awesome my husband is? Well he is. He takes care of me, the kids, and all of the household duties. He's going to school now too so his plate is crazy full. But still he doesn't complain. He's gentle and compassionate with me. I praise God everyday for bringing me this wonderful man. I couldn't have done this well searching for a husband on my own. If I'd done it on my own I'd probably be married to a drug runner or wanted fugitive. I'm only half kidding. 

Well, hope is everyone is well. It feels good to write again. I have my earphones in with my moody playlist playing. So awesome. Ok, it's almost time for my kids to go to bed so I'll leave you with this:

"11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." - JEREMIAH 29:11