"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

~Philippians 1:6

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Where's My Gumption?

I've lost my gumption.

Lately I feel so...pathetic. I figure it's the pain that's doing it, but I don't know how (that's it, just how). I don't know how to not feel pathetic. I don't know how to express my gratitude to Derek for how he takes care of me and the house since I can't do much. I don't know how to say thank you to those praying for me. I don't know how to tell my kids I'm sorry I can't do things with them because of the pain. I don't know how to say sorry to people when I have to cancel because of the pain or the pain meds. I don't know how to accurately describe to people what's going on (not that I want to, that leads to more patheticness). I don't know how to talk to God right now. Sometimes He feels close, but mostly He's silent. He's probably waiting for me to leave my pity party and go talk to Him.

I just feel angry sometimes. I know I have no right to that anger, but that doesn't make it any less real. I've asked, told, cried, screamed, and raged at God. I ask him, why? Why now? Have the last 3 years not been enough? Did I not go through enough when Derek got cancer? Or how about when I was separated from my kids for 2 months, or when I had to give my beloved dogs away? Or the ensuing chaos that resulted from the 3 above mentioned issues?

As I write these sentences I know the issue. The common theme through all of that was I. I has no business in our walks with Christ. In Genesis when God is forming the world He says US and OUR. That plural is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Trinity is a perfect bond. A bond we need to mirror in our walk with God.

I guess I need to sit and be quiet. Let Him talk to me. Let Him wash away the anger, sadness, and patheticness. Just Let Him.


  1. I'm so sorry your feeling this way Erica,
    and you don't have to feel bad about canceling, we do understand (I won't pretend to know how much pain your in). And you DON'T have to thank us for prayer, how could we NOT pray for you? I hope you feel incredibly better this week, and revived and rejuvenated.

  2. I'm sorry to hear you're still suffering with the pain. My mum went through a hard time recently, I have seen that frustration when something is wrong and the doctors can't diagnose it. But I hope and pray, that like God has done to my mum, He will bless you with his peace and continue to restore you physically and spiritually.

    Much love from across the pond xx

  3. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time! I recently read an article by a preacher who felt like God used his "arid times in a spiritual desert" even more powerfully than his times in the "flood of blessings" He said God used his brokeness and pain to help him better minister to others who are hurting. I'm praying that not only will God heal you, but he will use you during this time to accomplish something awesome for Him.
    Keep hanging in there!

  4. My sweet girl, I love you so much. You don't realize how strong you are. I look at everything that has happened in the last few years, and through God you have handled all so well. I can see the changes in you as a Christian and a person. I know you don't see it, but you aren't supposed to. I pray for you daily, and think of you always. I love you Caca.