I've lost my gumption.
Lately I feel so...pathetic. I figure it's the pain that's doing it, but I don't know how (that's it, just how). I don't know how to not feel pathetic. I don't know how to express my gratitude to Derek for how he takes care of me and the house since I can't do much. I don't know how to say thank you to those praying for me. I don't know how to tell my kids I'm sorry I can't do things with them because of the pain. I don't know how to say sorry to people when I have to cancel because of the pain or the pain meds. I don't know how to accurately describe to people what's going on (not that I want to, that leads to more patheticness). I don't know how to talk to God right now. Sometimes He feels close, but mostly He's silent. He's probably waiting for me to leave my pity party and go talk to Him.
I just feel angry sometimes. I know I have no right to that anger, but that doesn't make it any less real. I've asked, told, cried, screamed, and raged at God. I ask him, why? Why now? Have the last 3 years not been enough? Did I not go through enough when Derek got cancer? Or how about when I was separated from my kids for 2 months, or when I had to give my beloved dogs away? Or the ensuing chaos that resulted from the 3 above mentioned issues?
As I write these sentences I know the issue. The common theme through all of that was I. I has no business in our walks with Christ. In Genesis when God is forming the world He says US and OUR. That plural is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Trinity is a perfect bond. A bond we need to mirror in our walk with God.
I guess I need to sit and be quiet. Let Him talk to me. Let Him wash away the anger, sadness, and patheticness. Just Let Him.