"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

~Philippians 1:6

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Not Even Sure What This Is About

The title of my post is pretty accurate. I don't have a clear post in mind, but I feel museish. I know that isn't a word, but it's suits my purposes right now.

I know we all have deep yearnings in our soul. Things we desperately wish for, things we want to achieve, things we feel will complete us. I, like any normal person (OK, relatively normal), have these deep yearnings. The problem you may ask? They depress me. I don't know if this is normal. I don't know if everyone elses deep yearnings depress them, but mine sure do.

I'm a perfectionist. Like a really horrible, awful perfectionist. I judge myself so harshly that I feel others have me under the same microscope I put myself under. I know this for the most part is untrue, but my dang mind doesn't listen to me (weird right?).

So back to the perfectionism I suffer from. I won't attempt something if I don't think it's going to be perfect. Not just perfect to me, but perfect enough to win an Oscar or perfect enough to win a Pulitzer. OK, just some examples of some prestigious awards. Hopefully, you get where I'm going with this.

It's this horrifying, step altering problem I have. I go to do something, anything and my first thought is: can this be perfect? Can I achieve the highest success possible with this decision? If the answer to those questions is no (which lets be honest, it usually is) then I say "no point in trying then". I desperately wish I knew how to go about getting over this.

 Maybe the "trick" is to just try. Do. Write. Bake. Cook. Love. Give. Run. Create. Talk. Wish. Pray. Be flawed. Relax. Be Confident.

So to come full circle, my depression directly relates to my inability to even try to satisfy the deep yearnings  of my soul. Hopefully someday soon I can get started on that list of words and satisfy some deep yearnings.

Who needs a therapist when you have a blog?

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