"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

~Philippians 1:6

Monday, July 25, 2011

It's Monday {SIGH}

This post isn't really about anything, but I feel the need to write. Not only is this blog for your entertainment value (be honest, how hard did you laugh?), but it's the way I get things out of my head. This is my way of dealing with things in a sense. Derek will be the first to tell you I am a horrible verbal communicator. I write OK and can express myself much better that way. I try to talk it out and I get jumbled and frustrated and eventually I'll walk away, which really frustrates those I'm trying to converse with. Today's post is about stuff I'm stressed about.

Derek doesn't feel good. He hasn't felt good since yesterday and I'm worried. In the past if he was sick, it wasn't a big deal. That was before the cancer word. Now every sickness is a worry that perhaps his GVH is getting worse or a different kind of cancer has taken root. Logically I know that God has control of our lives and Derek's body, but emotionally is a different story.

I start school in roughly a month. While I'm very excited I'm also worried. Mostly I fear flunking out or finding out I can't hack it. I know I can and I've prayed about going to school and I know that right now this is God's plan for me, but because it's new and I'm horrible with change I'm petrified.

I have certain people in my life right now who are judging me quite harshly on past actions. Actions I regret, but have been forgiven for. Someday I might post about that part of my life, but I'm not quite ready. Anyway, these people are (to not sound like a 7th grade girl) being mean to me. My feelings are hurt and I'm so angry. I feel at a loss as to what to do with these feelings. I don't want to pray for these people and I don't want to pray about my feelings. I feel I have a right to my feelings. Oh how I hate my flesh.

My kids don't know how to read or tie their shoes! I'm sure all of you out there who are parents can understand the stress that comes with having kids. I tend to forget they aren't mine to begin with, but are on loan from God. That actually just stressed me out more. Their learning and growth falls to me and I'm a terrible teacher! I'm not consistent and I don't know the best way to teach them. School starts in the fall and they are supposed to have a good grasp on these things. Today I feel like a terrible mother.

Those are my big stresses. Verses about worry and giving things to God are floating through my mind right now, but I feel like I can't absorb them. Have you ever seen that Veggie Tales where a little girl or boy lies and the rumor weed starts to grow? With each lie she or he tells it gets bigger and bigger, it eventually gets so big that it is it's own entity. That's what my stress is right now, it's own entity.

Thanks for listening.


  1. Sorry your day/week isn't going good!
    We'll be praying Derek feels better.

    WARNING: Preaching included! :)
    I do want to say something about the people your having a hard time with:
    Pray for them! I know you said you don't want to, but it works! Awhile back I was really mad at some people, I had started to get really bitter. And I realized something, is my unforgiveness and bitterness punishing them? Or me? It's damaging my realationship with God, is it worth it? I can tell you from personal experience that if you pray for those people, you won't be able to stay mad at them long! I'm sorry they're hurting you! I did a post awhile back on this subject you can check it out here:


    I'll be praying that you have a better week/day! Hang in their, Earth is as close to Hell as your getting! Just remember that! :)
    See you Friday!

  2. Hey Erica,
    Sorry to hear about Derek. I hope he'll get feeling better soon.
    You know what my favorite part of your blog is...your honesty. Thank you for that. You are so transparent and have an awesome heart! It is great to read your thoughts on life, because I always can relate to you. Your writing is REAL.
    Sometimes I have a hard time writing like that on my blog. I always worry about what people will think. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
    On a side note, what are you going to school for? I'm still trying to decide what I want to go to college for. Maybe art or writing...Honestly, I have no clue! :)
    Hope you have a better day. I'll be praying for you.
    Could you please pray for me. I just started a new job and I'm really stressed about learning everything. Thanks!

  3. Hi, I know I don't know you too well, but one thing that always crops in my life is that it is easy to judge and punish ourselves the hardest. But to everyone else, and to God you are a wonderful person! Sometimes life is too much. No matter how many good things are going - sometimes we just see all the bad!!
    I hope Derek feels better soon, and I'm sure you're doing a great job with the kids (kids won't know - just pretend you know everything and they won't have a clue!) I'm sure every mother feels like that at some point.

    God bless you!

  4. Natasha- Thank you for your words, they were much needed. Something I knew but I was letting myself indulge in my sinful feelings. I appreciate your prayers.

    Gabrielle- Thank you for your compliment. I'm glad you appreciate my honesty. I have found that there are a lot of people who don't like my honesty. I worry about what people think too, but it's easier for me in my writing to let it all go. I think that's why I love my blog so much. I'm going to school for Computer Information Systems with a concentration in Computer Forensics. I absolutely love computers. I'm excited to get a degree in something I have a passion for. Thank you for your prayers, they are much appreciated.

    Lord, I pray for Gabrielle right now. Be with her in her new job. Ease her stress and open her mind to learn everything she needs to. Help her to be a light for You where she is. In Jesus' name, Amen.

  5. Thank you Rachael. Very comforting words indeed. I agree with you on the judging. I have to pray for God to take it from me. I find myself doing it and frankly it sucks when people do it to you. I'm pretty good at pretending to know everything :)