This post isn't really about anything, but I feel the need to write. Not only is this blog for your entertainment value (be honest, how hard did you laugh?), but it's the way I get things out of my head. This is my way of dealing with things in a sense. Derek will be the first to tell you I am a horrible verbal communicator. I write OK and can express myself much better that way. I try to talk it out and I get jumbled and frustrated and eventually I'll walk away, which really frustrates those I'm trying to converse with. Today's post is about stuff I'm stressed about.
Derek doesn't feel good. He hasn't felt good since yesterday and I'm worried. In the past if he was sick, it wasn't a big deal. That was before the cancer word. Now every sickness is a worry that perhaps his GVH is getting worse or a different kind of cancer has taken root. Logically I know that God has control of our lives and Derek's body, but emotionally is a different story.
I start school in roughly a month. While I'm very excited I'm also worried. Mostly I fear flunking out or finding out I can't hack it. I know I can and I've prayed about going to school and I know that right now this is God's plan for me, but because it's new and I'm horrible with change I'm petrified.
I have certain people in my life right now who are judging me quite harshly on past actions. Actions I regret, but have been forgiven for. Someday I might post about that part of my life, but I'm not quite ready. Anyway, these people are (to not sound like a 7th grade girl) being mean to me. My feelings are hurt and I'm so angry. I feel at a loss as to what to do with these feelings. I don't want to pray for these people and I don't want to pray about my feelings. I feel I have a right to my feelings. Oh how I hate my flesh.
My kids don't know how to read or tie their shoes! I'm sure all of you out there who are parents can understand the stress that comes with having kids. I tend to forget they aren't mine to begin with, but are on loan from God. That actually just stressed me out more. Their learning and growth falls to me and I'm a terrible teacher! I'm not consistent and I don't know the best way to teach them. School starts in the fall and they are supposed to have a good grasp on these things. Today I feel like a terrible mother.
Those are my big stresses. Verses about worry and giving things to God are floating through my mind right now, but I feel like I can't absorb them. Have you ever seen that Veggie Tales where a little girl or boy lies and the rumor weed starts to grow? With each lie she or he tells it gets bigger and bigger, it eventually gets so big that it is it's own entity. That's what my stress is right now, it's own entity.
Thanks for listening.