Tomorrow is Grandma Kay's 92nd birthday and she's not here to share it with us. She's in heaven with Jesus. Her body is whole and I imagine she is so very happy.
I believe God has given her a window to look down at us from heaven. I bet she is so delighted by my kids. She loved them all so dearly. She had this amazing special bond with Alexander. My thought is that he reminded her of Derek when he was little. There isn't a day that goes by that Alexander doesn't talk about her. He mentions things they did together when he was little little. I think God is preserving his memories of her.
We're going to the cemetery tomorrow as a family. Alexander asked me if we could bring her presents. I told him no because they would just sit there at her grave. Being a child and so full of faith he said "God can come down, grab her presents and take them to her in heaven right? I was like umm...ya (cause seriously how do you respond to that?). I told him we'll bring her flowers instead.
I have such a hard time with her death. She was one of the most special people in my life.
I used to hate her.
Derek and I moved to Butte when Alexander was 3 months old. We had to move into her basement because we couldn't sell our house in Yakima. She was gruff and demanding and had all of these ways she liked things. It irritated me. She used to say things to get a rise out of me. She used to say things to try and get me to fight with her. I ignored her and smiled. Mostly because I wasn't going to fight an old lady and also I was a little scared of her. I used to vent to Derek when he'd get home from work. All mean and nasty things.
I talked to our pastor's wife from Yakima (she's such an awesome lady) and she told me to pray that God would soften my heart toward her.
So I did. A lot.
This amazing thing happened! He did it! He filled my heart with such love for this woman, it overwhelmed me. I enjoyed going to the store for her, I enjoyed doing the cleaning she couldn't anymore because of her arthritis. I became one of her favorite people too. We used to sit and have tea together. One of the only reasons Griz was born healthy and not pre-mature was because my 88 year old grandmother took my two toddlers for half a day every day for like 6-8 weeks. This woman absolutely amazed me. I could tell you countless stories about how strong she was. How big of a heart she had.
I lost a piece of my heart the day she died. She hung on so she could see Derek one last time to ensure that he was indeed ok after the cancer ( I don't think she believed us when we said he was doing ok).
What I wouldn't give to smell her again. To give her a hug. To hear the same stories she always told, but never failed to delight me. To tell her I love her and have her get all embarrassed and play it off but say quietly that she loved me too. To see her with my kids now that they're older. She would be so delighted in the little boy Alexander is today and how smart he is. She would love Ashley and her smile and little girl voice. She would laugh at Griz and how "manly" he is. Gosh I miss her.
Tomorrow is going to be hard for all of us.
I'm praying for strength.