Results and Something Scary

I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is all my scans are normal. My spine, spinal cord, and vertebrae all look good. There isn't anything life threatening like tumors or something. Bad news is that they still don't know what's going on. My doctor is referring me to a neurologist, he think it may be something like that. So we will see!

I was gonna post about the news I mentioned in my last post, but I'm going to delay that as I have a scary thing to share.

Last night I called my dad, who lives in Washington, to share my test results. He didn't answer so I hung up. About 15 minutes later he called me back. He was having trouble speaking, he kept repeating himself, and he told me he hadn't been feeling good all day. I asked him a couple of questions thinking he might have taken too many pain pills or muscle relaxers (he suffers from some stuff that he has to take regular pain meds and stuff like that). He had taken a little more than he should, but my gut (the Holy Spirit) was telling me I should call someone. My step mom was still at work and their roommate is confined to a wheelchair. My Dad told me he was scared and that's when I knew I needed to call someone. I told him I'd call him back and immediately looked up the hospital where he lives. The nurse advised me to call 911. I couldn't call 911 because it would have routed me to dispatchers in Montana. I called the police department in Gig Harbor and told the lady the situation. She connected me to medics who asked me a bunch of questions. I had the answers thankfully, good thing I like shows about medical stuff. I gave them my dad's address and they went over. I called my step mom and told her what was going on, the conversation didn't go well and I'm going to leave at that since I don't get along with her. I called my sister Meg and told her and we worried together. At first they thought my dad had just taken too many muscle relaxers, they took him to the hospital and did some tests. Come to find out he had a mini-stroke! They're doing an MRI today that hopefully will tell them more about what is going on.

God is so good. Who knows what would have happened had I not called my dad or called to have medics sent over. God was watching over my dad last night and I'm so thankful to Him. It was so scary though and to be so far away just...sucked. I'm glad that while I couldn't be there with my Dad that God was.

Sorry For The Radio Silence

Hello There!...(is there an echo in here?)

I wouldn't blame you if there were. I haven't posted in awhile and I've missed Wordy Wednesday and Thankful Thursday. I know you all know what I'm going through, I thank you for your prayers. I'm also super busy with school and the kids. School is going great, I love it. We're starting our projects now so I'm having to do lots of research. I have my appointment tomorrow to go over my MRI results and my renal ultrasound. I'll let you all know what I find out. I have some very big news that is going to go into a post all it's own. It's not my news, but it's great and share worthy all the same. I have a stupid appointment I'm mad about today. Not sure why I'm mad except that I think I'm being selfish. I'm going to suck it up and go, but I'm kinda cranky. So adieu until tomorrow my blog friends!

I Hate The Why

Do you ever wonder why? Why God has you going through what you're going through? Why He's silent when you need Him? Why in the midst of all of it you feel crushed by the weight of your tears? Why don't you have more money? Why I've been in one endless trial since birth? Why can't He just take me to Heaven?

I have the questions, but no real answers. I'm sure it's a learning lesson. I'm sure it's to bring me closer to Him. I'm sure it's to strengthen my faith and trust. What I'm not sure of is whether I can do it. I know you're thinking or saying "we can't, that's why we need God". I know that already, but when He feels light years away and you're sitting in the dark with only cold silence and tears, you are pretty unsure of yourself and everything around you. Nobody panic (cough Derek cough). I just feel so lost. So angry. So sad. So much in pain. So alone. Just so.

I'm trying God, I promise I am. I need you now. I need to feel you. Pierce the darkness with your light, I beg you Lord. Let me bask in Your light and Your warmth. Let me know in my heart what I know in my head. I love you Lord. Amen.

You Say Awkward I Say Funny

So last night I went to Perkins for some dessert and girl time. I met Natasha and Melissa, two very lovely women whom I adore. You regulars out there may or may not have realized yet how weird of a sense of humor I have. If not then I am about to out myself! I saw the funniest shirt on the Internet. I shared it with Natasha and Melissa and they just stared at me. Obviously not thinking it was as funny, which is OK. I need friends that aren't as weird as I am. Natasha just said awkward (sing song voice). Here is the picture of the shirt that I think is hilarious, but you might just think it's awkward :)

My Doctor's Appointment and My Meltdown

I had my doctor's appointment and as of right now I have no news to report. They referred me to a specialist that I will se on Monday. I guess I do have some news, but you'll need some backstory first. So here goes...


In 2008 I went to a chiropractor for back pain. He took x-rays and diagnosed me with Scoliosis. For those of you who don't know what Scoliosis is it is when your spine is curved and usually rotated as well. Shortly after that Derek was diagnosed with cancer and we had to start the whole treatment process. I just dealt with the back pain because frankly there were more pressing matters. It's been since this year started that I noticed the back pain start to worsen. 


The pain gets to the point where I can't move. My ribs hurt so bad it's hard to breathe and people can't touch me. Sometimes I sit in tears while the pain takes over. I just got insurance so we knew it was time to find out what was going on. 


All this time we thought it was the scoliosis that was causing my back pain. At the doctor's office they took x-rays and he told me my scoliosis was mild and shouldn't be causing me pain. I was speechless at first. How could the last doctor I saw make it sound like I had 2 big curves and a rotated spine?!? I got frustrated and I felt so defeated. I'm back to square one now. 


I'll try and explain this and I hope you get it. I've been to the doctor before for issues where they've told me after I've had tons of tests that they can't find anything wrong. I end up leaving frustrated and feeling like perhaps I have some mental condition that makes me feel like I have medical problems when perhaps I don't. I'm so scared that is going to happen. You want a diagnosis to verify that you aren't exaggerating or faking it. You want someone (who is a doctor) to believe you. That's where I am now. After the doctor left the room I just broke down, I started sobbing. Good thing Derek was there (who is so amazing), I wouldn't have gotten through today without him. I quelled the tears until we got to the car and then I really let loose. I cried all the frustration, pain, weakness, fatigue, and sadness out. 


The good thing that came out of this appointment was the anti-inflammatory he prescribed. I took it and was able to catch up on sleep I've been missing the last couple of weeks. I'm feeling pretty good right now, better than I have in a month I would say. So now I'm waiting and praying for Monday. Praying they can give me a diagnosis, but that it's not a serious one. Praying I can mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stand up under the crushing weight I feel. 


So there it is for you. 



"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Thankful Thursdays!

I'm Thankful...

1. For coffee
2. For Halloween marshmallow peeps!
3. For health insurance
4. For cuddly bears
5. That my Patriots tore it up against the Dolphins
6. That Derek and I get to go on a date this Saturday, it's been forever
7. That I get to go to dessert with some great friends tomorrow
8. For prayers
9. For my wonderful, understanding, and helpful husband
10. That is college is going awesome

Wordy Wednesdays!

I love the word Poignant. It's fun to say and the meaning is pretty neat.

poign·ant  
[poin-yuhnt, poi-nuhnt]
adjective
1. keenly distressing to the emotions
2. keen or strong in mental appeal
3. affecting or moving the emotions
4. pungent to the smell ----------------> Kind of a weird one


A word I hate is Pain. You can probably guess why I hate this one. I am going to blog about my "issue" soon. Probably not until Friday though, I have a doctor appointment with a specialist. I'm hoping to get this thing figured out. Please be praying!


pain   
[peyn]
noun
1. physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.
2. a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body
3. mental or emotional suffering or torment
4. pains,
     a. laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care
    b. the suffering of childbirth
5. informal  an annoying or troublesome person or thing

God and A Little Bit Of Time

Today is two years since my grandma died. I didn't cry today. But I did smile. She was such a precious person. God has helped me a lot getting over her death, well once I let Him help me anyway. Time is also a great healer of grief. Some days I cry when I think of her, but mostly I just smile when I think of her now and days.

So Grandma Kay, if God has given you a window from Heaven. Know that we miss you. Know that you touched every aspect of our lives while you were alive. I hope you're proud of me. My life was richer having known you. You taught me things and showed me things. So thank you for being you and loving me.

Thankful Thursdays!

Before I begin with Thankful Thursdays! Let me apologize for missing Wordy Wednesday. My pain hasn't gotten any better, but I feel it's imperative to list what I'm thankful for especially when I feel the way I do.

I'm Thankful...

1. I got a 95 on my first college paper
2. I have a wonderful husband that helps tons
3. That God gets me through the pain, that He's here with me while I feel it. I know He feels it too.
4. My kids love school
5. For prayers from a wonderful church family
6. For my sister Sarah, I love her
7. That God answers prayers so miraculously (Mom this is for you)
8. For my dog, he likes to follow me around the house which blesses my heart
9. For cold pillow cases
10. That mellow creme pumpkins are now in stores!

Apology and Patience

I apologize for being behind on my blogging. I have been dealing with some health issues and I have been super busy with school and my children starting school. I may or may not post Wordy Wednesday tomorrow. I'll see how I'm feeling. What I ask for are your prayers and some patience. I will probably at some point blog about the pain I have, but it's a sensitive subject for me which is why I haven't yet. You are amazing blog readers and I thank you for your prayers and your awesomeness!  God bless you all!

Who Turned Off The Lights?!?

I was driving home this morning after dropping the kids off at school and getting some coffee and all of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was like someone turned off all of the lights plunging me into darkness. I hate this feeling. It doesn't happen a lot, but it does sometimes.

When I feel this way I have to make the conscious decision not to stay there. I have to reach out to God and crawl out of that pit of despair. The problem is the flesh wants to reside there. It's a place where sin breeds and abounds. It's place without God. I don't want to be anywhere where He isn't present. It's a scary and yucky place.

"He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and break their bands in sunder" Psalm 107:14

I'm Just Gonna Get It Out There

I'm sure you all have dreams. Realistic ones, not so realistic ones, and ones your afraid to divulge. It's the latter I want to talk about.

I've always wanted to be a model. I'm not exactly sure why, but I have. It looked fun and glamorous and the best job ever. It's always been there in the back of my mind. It's been a dream of mine I've been afraid to tell people. I didn't even tell Derek until after we were married (I think). I'm afraid people will think I'm super good looking, or they'll think I'm too ugly to make it. I'm afraid I can't do it. There are a lot of fears built into it.

 Last September I dropped my dad off at the airport in Bozeman. We passed a outdoor fair type thing in the park and thought it would be fun for the kids. I stopped by this booth with all of these beautiful photographs. His name is Gerry and he is a wonderful person. He told me I had a great face and could be a model. I told him I'd always wanted to, but never had the opportunity. He said he would do a whole shoot for free and that I should call him and set it up. At first I was thinking creeper, but after talking it over with Derek he said I should go for it. We set it up and Derek came with me. I had so much fun! It was a blast! I had all of these different outfits and we were in such a beautiful place. Ennis, MT and Virginia City, MT are some wonderful places. If you've never you should visit, it's wonderful. Here are some photos from that shoot: 

After I got my pictures back I started researching modeling agents. I wanted to get represented, but was terrified of rejection. If I didn't try I couldn't fail. If I didn't try I also couldn't succeed. So I kept on my research. The one agency I found that was consistent was the Coravelli Modeling Agency in Bozeman, MT. I called and set up an appointment. I went in with my CD full of pictures and a lot of nerves and waited to see what she'd say. She is a wonderful wonderful person. She's so full of energy and optimism! I love being around her. I got some great news that day! She said she would sign me and she wanted to do a photo shoot so she could get me on her web site. I had my photo shoot in January and the rest is history. I haven't had a modeling job yet, but I will eventually. For right now I can honestly I say I achieved my dream. Here are some pictures that Denise has taken. She's an amazingly talented photographer.

*photos are property of Gerry Mooney and Denise Coravelli and Coravelli Modeling Agency

Thankful Thursdays!

I'm Thankful...

1. School is going well
2. That my children love Kindergarten
3. It's cooling down here in Butte, come on snow!
4. I'm maintaining my weight
5. I won a contest!! (thanks Gabrielle!)
6. For my Red Sox hoodie, it's so soft and warm
7. That my Louisiana Gumbo turned out last night
8. For football (this is sort of an understatement)
9. For my dish washer
10. For my lovely car, Pearl