Joyous Remorse

We have a house! And while I'm very excited right now, my heart remains sad.

I've angry, frustrated, and irritable while waiting for a house. These emotions have been directed at God, Derek, and my other loved ones. I acted terribly. All because I didn't trust God to come through. I've seen Him do amazing things and I didn't trust Him.

I think back to how it felt when I lost the trust of somebody I loved. It hurt-bad. And I'm just a sinful human being who deserved to lose that trust. God obviously didn't do a thing to lose my trust. He sent His Son to die on the cross for me. He redeemed me. He comforts me. He keeps my children and husband safe. He provides my material needs. And I let him down because He didn't fit into my time table.

I'm deeply ashamed and remorseful. I'm just thankful He's forgiving.

You Learn Something New Every Day

Ashley informed me of something the other day. Her and Alexander crawled into bed with Derek and I in the morning and the conversation went something like this.

Alexander: Do you have a wee wee (what we call the male private parts)?

Me: No, because I'm a girl.

Ashley: No, you aren't a girl. You're Mama.

Thanks Ashley, that's good to know.

A Couple Of Unrelated Things

I'm going to write about a couple of things today that don't have anything to do with each other, but since they won 't be really long I didn't want to have a bunch of short posts. So..


1. I've been really stressed lately because we haven't found a house yet. We're moving in 15 days, count it, 15 days! And we still haven't found a place to live. I can't get people to call me back which frustrates me to no end. If the house isn't available just let me know, it's not that hard! Sorry...anyway I had a bad day the other day and when Derek got home I went to our room for some much needed alone time with God. I read the passage in M.U.F.H.H for the day and the verse was..."Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him" (Matthew 6:8) Such an awesome verse for we're going through right now. I had to repent because I've been grouchy and irritable worrying about the housing situation. My dear, patient sister has been wonderful about encouraging me and helping me through this whole process. Derek is so understanding too, he just tries to comfort and reassure me. His presence is such a comfort in times like this.


2. Why in the world did the Green Bay Packers trade Brett Favre?!?!! I mean seriously he is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game and will be in the hall of fame someday and you trade him. Great move, I want to know who the bonehead was behind this decision because it was a poorly made one. I don't know who Aaron Rodgers is or what he's done to make the Packers pick him over Brett Favre, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't hold the NFL record for Career Passing Yards, Career Passing Attempts, Career Completions, or Career Touchdown Passes. Because Brett Favre holds those records! I'm not watching one single Green Bay game this season. Mark my words, I will however be watching a few Jets games. There is my sports tirade for now. Now that football season is approaching you will probably reading a few more of those. I'm apologizing ahead of time. I'm also praying that we have enough money after we move to get cable or satellite. I know it's pretty trivial, but I can't stand to watch one game a week of some crappy team NBC decided to air. OK, now my tirade is over.

3. Now for the best news of all. I'm going on a date with Derek tonight! I'm so excited, it's been forever. We need time together too. I can feel the stress of the move starting to get to both of us and sadly we are taking it out on each other. So tonight, we will spend time together and let go of all the stress and tensions that have been building. I'm so stinking excited! I get to wear make-up and clean clothes. I mean I always wear clean clothes, but by the time it's bed time I have hand prints and fingerprints dabbled with jelly, dirt, and some unknown substance I'm scared to find out what it is. God is truly gracious to allow us this night.

It's Hard To Be Honest

I'm a pretty honest person. I always have been. The first time I said a cuss word, I went home and told my mom I said it.

It's a lot harder to be honest when it comes to character flaws. I have tons of them (no, really I do). One of them being I spend way too much time on the computer. This is really hard to admit.

Today has been a day full of disobedience and discipline. I've felt like all I've done is yell/spank(yes I do that)/pray with them and repeat. To escape it I get on the computer which only makes things worse because I neglect some of their bad behavior. I know they act up to get my attention too. Writing this makes me feel like a terrible mother. I just don't know how to break the cycle.

I make excuses about why I'm on here and blah blah blah. I get my "chores" done, I reason to myself, but it's the quality of day to day life that is suffering. I could do more around the house and play more with my kids etc...

Please pray that I would not be consumed with the computer. That I would enjoy my children and be more active with them during the day. I know I would see a significant improvement in their behavior.

I'm out of words for now. This post, however, does not convey how bad I feel about this.

An Answer to Prayer

I thought I'd let you all know that Derek told Grandma Kay last night that we are moving. He didn't tell her when we are moving (I can't believe how not into details men are), but she was generally o.k. with it. She knows that we need to go where Derek can get a good job and right now that isn't Butte. I'm sure there will be tears and heart sickness in the future, but God really answered a prayer where she was concerned.

I'm going to try to make these last few weeks great for her and the kids. I want to give her every opportunity to see the kids before we move.

Another prayer is that God will soothe Alexander's tender heart when we move. He is very close to her and will miss her terribly. He has gone before us on all of our concerns and I'm sure He will with this one too.

I guess I shouldn't be amazed at His goodness, but I am. I can't put into words right now how much I am in awe of Him and the works He has done in the last week.

Thank you again for all of your prayers.

An Update

My kitchen is clean, a load of laundry is going, and my kids are eating lunch. I feel a lot better right now than I did an hour ago.

Now I just need to vacuum the 1 million pounds of dog hair that accumulated in the 2 days since I last vacuumed.

I'm On Here Because...

I am procrastinating cleaning my house. I know it's horrible; I just don't want to. My horribly dirty kitchen is waiting for me. I also know that if I start on them it won't be that bad. And I will feel really good once they are done.

So...I'm off to un-procrastinate.