Monday, December 17, 2007
My Sweet Little Girl
So this is my pretty princess after she was born. I love her with all my heart. I thought I would write about this because it's been on my heart for awhile. I've talked to my Mom about it, but that's about it. I thought maybe if I got it out I could sort through it better.
I will start from the very beginning.
Ashley was born 5 weeks early. Her lungs were premature so she spent a week in the hospital. I didn't get to hold her until she was a day old. I'd go to see her a couple times a day once I was released. I would have spent every waking moment there, but I had Alexander to reassure and to speak truthfully it was absolutely exhausting sitting there watching my little girl breath from tubes in her nose knowing she spent her nights alone and maybe scared.
Once I brought her home things were hard. I was adjusting to having an 11 month old and a newborn. I was to say the least exhausted. Ashley never really wanted to be held. She wanted to eat and be laid down. She didn't need me. That was a hard thought to process.
It was so different with Alexander. I bonded with him right away and he always needed me. Alexander and I had had such a strong connection. I didn't have that with Ashley, I constantly felt like I was playing favorites. I also felt like maybe I didn't love her. I now know they were lies from the enemy. I believed them though and Satan got a foothold in our family. It was awful. I've never been in a darker place in my life.
We came out of it though. I got where I needed to be with the Lord and He reassured me.
Ashley needs me, I can see that now. He helped me to see that.
She is better with affection. She'll actually sit on your lap for a couple minutes at a time. The Lord has brought me so far. The feelings of inadequacy as a mother only come every now and then instead of all the time.
If you have ever had a similar experience I would love to hear it. I hope this made sense and conveyed what I wanted it to. God was faithful and answered my prayers.
The Footprints in the Sand poem is right on. Even in those times when you feel your loneliest and see that there are one set of footprints or one set of tears staining your pillow. Take heart! He is carrying you and is crying right along side you.